"do you think our Spanish cell phones have snake...?

...I hope they do." --Jordan Gurganus.

I feel like Jordan will cite the future names of many of my posts without even knowing it. I mean this sincerely because so does she. Earlier today we were watching Miley Cyrus' new video, and she said "the concept almost works and then she starts licking hammers." The best part is, when I started laughing she looked kind of upset because I wasn't taking her seriously.

She wasn't sure if this was a coffee table or a drum, so we tried both. It's not a drum. (sorry, Marcelo/Mario)

Jordan and I worked very hard to move into our beautiful new apartment. I'm not saying having funerals for the dead baby cockroaches found throughout the house wasn't entertaining, and buying our own cups because "we're too afraid of the kitchen (--Jordan)" isn't the tits, but it was time to move on. Sorry, Mr. Bean, you will be in our hearts and most likely the reason we won't live past 30.

The other day before Jordan arrived to Madrid I went on my own little adventure. Meaning I got lost for days. Many people say that you learn from your mistakes. I place all of these people in a group and try my best to avoid them. However, after one day on my own in Madrid I happily enlisted myself into said group. Here is what I learned: 

The Alimentacion is basically a store for fat kids.

With that being said, I go daily.

 If you truly understand me, you know my one and only love is chocolate. One day, Isabelle (the German girl who I met in this lovely apartment) and I went to every Alimentacion on the way to our friend Annika's house looking for one chocolate bar in particular (for me, obviously). The 15 minute walk took us about an hour and a half and by the end I had to settle for a Kit Kat bar. To express how easy going my time in Spain has been, this experience was traumatic. 

If you are a girl you will be referred to as "guapa." No matter what. 

I learned this the hard way. 

Guapa means lovely or pretty, basically used for aesthetic reasons. So whenever I was walking down the streets people would say "ayyy guapa, asodhf asidhfd pasodf (I usually have no idea what they're saying, my Spanish is pretty narcissistic). Then I'll go and order a cafe con leche and the waiter will say "vale guapa, un momento." Ok, cool, back atchya. So this was the new norm for the rest of the week and obviously something was seriously wrong if the conversation didn't finish with someone saying I was lovely.  

Until that one day when the woman with three arms and tenticles sticking out of her head was also called "guapa." And then the man with one tooth carrying a teddy bear that obviously wasn't his was also called "guapo." It's not that Spain broke my heart or anything it's just that I thought we had something special.

Do not smile or stare at cute babies because you will be classified as a child molester. 

The babies here are ahhhdorable. That's probably why everyone 13 and up has one. It's like a freaking rite of passage over here. You don't even know what peer pressure is until you walk through the Parque Retiro and see teenagers literally having sex on benches. It's like when the couple saw me they felt awkward because of my singleness, not because I was blatantly staring at them in awe/disgust/probably still a little drunk (hey, it was after 10 am)

If you make eye contact with anyone of the opposite gender, it means you want to have sex with them. 

And if you smile at them, it means you probably already have. 

In Spain, you don't have to go to the nearest pub for those around you to understand why you're drinking so early. 

the world is your pub and they all understand. 

People work to live, not live to work. 

Or they just don't work at all. 

PS- sorry if this blog didn't make any sense. As much as my Spanish has improved these past two weeks my English has gotten so much worse. God help the little nuggets that I'm supposed to teach.