This is the story of how Claire officially lost it to Madird's scalding heat wave. She will be survived by her roommate Sarah. She would have been survived by her fish but the heat took them, too. (RIP Bing and Bang). So, It's just Sarah #sorryimnot
It all started when Claire made the regretteble decision to not rob a bank to get the cash to fly home this summer and instead to kick it in the inferno that is Madrid. On June 26th (I shouldn't have to remind you all since only my family reads this, a DAY before the big 2-4), Claire and Sarah decided to rent a sketchy-as-shit van driven by Jose and Antonio (names changed to protect their awesomeness) in 99-degree heat to move from one pee-stained street in La Latina to their new pee-stained street in Malasaña. On this street was their new "home" or what they like to refer to as The Crock Pot because it's so hot they believe they are constantly being cooked.
By now you might be wondering, "What about air conditioning" Or, "Is Malasaña in a developing country? If I had known Claire moved to Africa, I would have sent her more packages." First, Spain doesn't believe in air conditioning. Second, we all know the latter isn't true. I mean, a card would be nice. (shout out to Abby for always sending the best - and only - packages).
This has been the hottest summer recorded in Madrid since the devil himself decided to take a poo on this fine country (or since July 1995, but who's counting). And yours truly not only decided to stay because she thought she could save money, she also accidentaly signed herself up for slave labor. (To be fair, that was my only option since I'm currently an illegal immigrant... technically). That's right, babysitting two girls, three and five-years-old, in this heat for 7 euros an hour. (Full disclosure, I eat all of their food to make up for the +10 euros they keep forgetting to pay me. They have actually started hiding the chips).
This babysitting job has been extremely rewarding in that it has made me become celibate. If children are a part of my future it will be because someone like me was babysitting them and they ran off and snuck into my Audi A8 (I can afford that car because future me doesn't have kids).
Another reward is that through this job I have found religion. For example, you will very often hear: for the love of god, why would you put your finger there. And: Jesus Christ did you just swallow that marble? I don't know CPR.
So far we have already broken a door, the fridge, a hula hoop, a dress (maybe two, jury's still out), and the couch. I use "we" loosely. It was definitely the kids. But I must have really not been paying attention if they managed to break off part of the door. In my imaginary contract, 7 euros an hour means your children are in one piece when you get home. 10 euros an hour is we only break one thing a week. 15, we cool. (If anyone is looking for a babysitter, PM me I'll send you my deets and fake references ASAP).
Enough about my dream job. I want to tell you what it's like to be so consistently dehydrated that alcohol isn't the main -and at one point, the only- part of your diet. Yes, folks, it's still Claire here. If AA isn't working out for you, I suggest moving to Spain next summer. I have a job lined up for you here, they'll be hiring within the next couple of days.
There are positives to all of this. As a kid I always wanted a water bed. With the constant heat throughout the night it's not uncommon to wake up in a pool of your own sweat. Like a little slice of heaven, I've found myself a zero maintanence water bed. #DIY
We also get the community feeling of living in an interior apartment. The little window we have opens up directly into our neighbors little window. We like to watch tv with them on Sunday nights. I'm still trying to figure out how to say "can you turn it up, please" in Spanish but without letting them know that we're sharing this intimate moment with them.
Some quality camera work from the one and only
What is keeping me from lighting myself on fire by standing under a huge magnifying glass under the sun is that in 5 days I will be in Holland. Where they have normal temperatures and can back up the fact that they are actually a first-world country.
And with any luck, I won't get deported when I try to sneak back into Spain. #illegal #freeflight #exitrowplease
Thanks for reading, mom and dad. Keep an eye out for the next annual post coming at you in 2016.
